Child of the Sea

A journey that starts in the mind and ends in the soul.

At your graduation again.
In another year I can put an end to this and seeing the people around me today I'm very excited. In general I"m just excited. Despite everything I"m going to a good med school and I have everything taken care of. I've never been so happy to never have to see a few people ever again. And I've never been so excited for my friends who've managed to escape this depressing town. For all the crap that's happened in these past four years and how everything fell apart including people and places. I've gotten just as many good memories and bad and I've learned so much from every moment of it. The only thing I taking 4 Toney classes back to back XD.

"I've found my voice.
I've found my place.
May you do the same as we go our separate ways."

At it’s like past 6am, and I’m proud to say at exactly 6:08 I got the fricken 3500 that I needed to be a silver axe. I have EXACTLY 3500. Today should be interesting. The day is always interesting when I’m running on absolutely no sleep and had a rough night behind me, and a potential rough one ahead of me. I’m slowly collecting good players on my friends lists –and oh (excuse my ADD moment) I can make a guild. Neat I can have a bunch of awesome people join my guild.

Today was one of those cold sunny days that made me realize that I have this whole thing called life ahead of me. Like the day in made me very sad as of now or up until now I’ve been floating on a batch of borrowed hope and I don’t know what to do with myself. My life is a strange gravitation towards the impossible and right now a black hole as dropped right into the middle of it. This must be what it is to be a human being to have this big black thing of uncertainty looming over your head.

Half the time I’d rather find the mortal coil and hope a shot of god bungies me off it. .
Such a thing is what I’m more familiar with, but no I have a cake for a teammate.

So goes the quote of my life “It’s not death that I’m afraid of. It’s living and not being able to take care of myself(and those I care about).”

But meh, I’m off to a cold as balls shower and hoping the weather warms up.

What the shit. . .
It’s another one of those Sunday nights where I’m up doing laundry, and twirling the overly curly ends of my stress-damaged hair around a free finger. This sucks. Everything sucks. This semester has been terrible. I’d rather sit on my ass and watch porn all day because things are ridiculous. I think I have a rough draft of a final paper due this Thursday and I haven’t even started on the thing. God I hope not. If so I’ll just do my best to write in such an oversimplified manner that my dumbass teacher with her critical literacy bullshit understands it. Maybe this is the universe telling me that I’m going in the wrong direction. Either that or this is just the usual “I can’t see the benefits” now craptasticity of spring. After all why would I randomly get stuck with this beautiful stranger person to keep me from losing my head and blowing everything to hell with me? This stress is killing me. My mind is like a sheet of thin glass that a fat person is lying on. The shit’s cracked dude.

I want a vacation.

One where I can sit on my expanding rear end or get the hell (or maybe heaven) fucked out of it. I just want something done to me where for however brief a moment in time I’m completely nothing. In mind. Body. Spirit. I don’t want anything for my mind to have focus on. Come on universe give me my coma or a fucking break. I have dreams to catch and I’m a tad late.

Adagio for Endings
This has been a ridiculously stressful stretch of things. I feel like at any moment someone is going to say the wrong thing and that I’m going to break down into a storm of tears and inconsolability. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through things without going off the deep end and/or dragging the only ones keeping me on the end with me. Maybe Monday afternoon I’m going to lock myself up in my room. I’ve done enough damage in an hour for the entire week.
The bitter old man has shown his bitterness. The sad youth stares up from the bottom of the bottle. The in-the-closeted opens the door to let the light shine through. The lover steadies both heart and sanity it seems on a disappearing line. And I the lost child walks along while dancing in the middle of it.

I see a grey horizon. It must be time for another valium. Too bad I don’t have any of those.

The truth of the matter...
During this week of sleepless nights, whispers in my ear, and the ever horrifying realization that my heart beats not just for me----it came to me. My father’s voice whispered from a very different set of lips and my defenseless ears actually listened. That saying that you never listen to what your parents have to say unless it comes from someone else is very true. However, it wasn’t just my father’s voice. It was the voice of many people across this short-lived life of mine. Even coming from a different pair of lips they still carried that tone that old people have when they watch a young person throwing their life away. It’s a strange quality of sadness that follows me everywhere I go.

I’ve spent my life excelling at telling everyone that: They can. I’ve spent my entire life believing everyone who told me that : I can’t. I’m so confused. I know I can—but I don’t see it. I know deep down that I feel like nothing. I feel like a failure and that I shouldn’t be here wasting space. I don’t know how to move forward from this. I don’t know how to fix this fracture in my being. But I’ll try and if you’re right then I more than likely will. Just keep telling me that I can ---I feel like I’m starting to believe it. Don’t stop. Soon I just might see it. . .

“I die to know you love me…
How can you love something so broken?”

Sad Mewl
Everyone that matters has either gone to bed or gone home. My mom is planning on killing my spring break and I was hoping to go to Momocon with L. I mean I was really looking forward to it---but knowing my mom and at this rate. . .I need to head off to materialized hell soon and hopefully find my guitar hero 2 if that bitch hasn't done anything drastic with it.

For some strange reason I feel a tad bit lonely and I really want a hug. This weekend is going to be nonexistant since I have to do all this crap for a shitty class that 99% of the class hates anyway. This weekend might definately be one in my room, I feel like my head is about to explode. Sigh this is a severe irritation since I haven't been depressed in a very long time. If my wonderful suitemate doesn't bother the shit out of me maybe I'll have a free moment to clear my head and get to the bottom of this.

It would be awesome if I could just curl up in the arms of the person I love right now. Heh, but that's a wish as stupid as a ghost trying to reach out to the living to whom it is nothing more than a figment of memory. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the capacity to love or feel anything at all. Well, I won't say wish because I once had that capacity. Or maybe I"m just being stupid.Gah L had good sense. My room reeks of a thousand sorrows and a thousand failed attempts at dreaming. Too bad this weekend I can't escape from it---too much fucking work.

"With you my heart has no dry place to stay
Without you my life has none either"

booyah bitches!
Le sigh the first weekend of the second semester is over, and it sucks for me that this weekend ended yesterday instead of today. So for right now my ass is black and grey because I have absolutely nothing I need for a class where my ENTIRE FUCKING GRADE is participation based. Today is a lost day. I mean I’m prepared for my first seminar class which won’t be as fun or an easy ‘A’ as I thought and all. However, my biology seminar is far more important.

I want to sleep today away, but then I have to study for a fucking comp sci quiz. I don’t feel like reading this Noah’s porn collection long chapter for it. Untop of that there is that Chem 2 test I need to start preparing for. Well one shitty day out of seven is not too bad and for all I know I could get lucky. Maybe later today I’ll do some tai chi--- would’ve done some now to calm my nerves but it’s all in L’s room. Meh I’ll just spin the wheel and board myself up in my sacred space.

I can’t wait for my fucking visa to come in so I can order Diablo and maybe the rest of the shit I need for class since I know my parents aren’t going to help me out on that one. Asking them would be like trying to explain the concept of gay non-homosexual bisexuality to an ultraconservative. Sigh I’ll get off my ass and clean my room then go get that job that has my name on it.

The Rain
Friday was a beautiful evening. I don’t remember if there were stars in the sky but all was pretty peaceful. Although a few people unexpectedly disappeared *cough Noah cough hack hack * t’was alright. There’s nothing that gives me more pleasure than to spend some quality time with a good friend. Depending on the person you can just sit around chill and do absolutely nothing and have the best time of your lives.

Things have not been going the best lately. But it’s times like these when you pick up the pieces of yourself and find your inner child within them. Even if that means laughing your fat ass off as you splash through the puddles of front campus (rolling around in a few) to leaving a trail of grass in the bathroom you still haven’t cleaned up yet.

I like the rain.

When I’m out in it I feel like myself. Everything that bothers me for that moment is washed away leaving what I used to be. A person I have a hard time remembering. The only thing I do know is that this person has a smile that the people I love the most have a hard time forgetting. And I guess---that’s all that matters.

The value of Life
I've had my religious experience of the week so I think I'll be good. The butterflies are fluttering around and life at Bell is proving to be pretty dandy. Thanks to love our little circle is starting to be more open about the things that piss us all of. I'm glad I can just beam my thoughts into Rory and he'll say them when I have a something to say to Noah-kun. I'll figure we'll learn how to talk to each other when we aren't the most content of people eventually. We are good friends and such things happen.

[[I need to get that note out of my mail box it's been sitting there since like the 3rd week of school. Besides I want to read The Stranger. It's one of the best book's ever---well besides the Little Prince. Man, I"ve noticed my favorite books are by French authors. I still don't know what to get everyone for Christmas. [As my roomate unplugs my internet]]

It seems like what I"m learning in philo is really starting to paint a picture before me.
Between L and Daniel T I don't know. . .
I acknowledge the fact I like. . .being a slave---and that scares me. But in "choosing for myself I choose for all of humanity" and until I find out that I've been horribly wrong I'm sticking to that.

Finding the happy endings
Today is the best day of my life and no arguement and no craptastic happening will change that. On this Saturday September 30 at 3:30ish PM I've gotten back that piece of me that's been so far away all these years. Although it has only been six years---these years have been longer than eternity when the heart of my soul was missing.


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