angelof4thlight

In another year I can put an end to this and seeing the people around me today I'm very excited. In general I"m just excited. Despite everything I"m going to a good med school and I have everything taken care of. I've never been so happy to never have to see a few people ever again. And I've never been so excited for my friends who've managed to escape this depressing town. For all the crap that's happened in these past four years and how everything fell apart including people and places. I've gotten just as many good memories and bad and I've learned so much from every moment of it. The only thing I regret...is taking 4 Toney classes back to back XD.

"I've found my voice.
I've found my place.
May you do the same as we go our separate ways."

At it’s like past 6am, and I’m proud to say at exactly 6:08 I got the fricken 3500 that I needed to be a silver axe. I have EXACTLY 3500. Today should be interesting. The day is always interesting when I’m running on absolutely no sleep and had a rough night behind me, and a potential rough one ahead of me. I’m slowly collecting good players on my friends lists –and oh (excuse my ADD moment) I can make a guild. Neat I can have a bunch of awesome people join my guild.

Today was one of those cold sunny days that made me realize that I have this whole thing called life ahead of me. Like the day in made me very sad as of now or up until now I’ve been floating on a batch of borrowed hope and I don’t know what to do with myself. My life is a strange gravitation towards the impossible and right now a black hole as dropped right into the middle of it. This must be what it is to be a human being to have this big black thing of uncertainty looming over your head.

Half the time I’d rather find the mortal coil and hope a shot of god bungies me off it. .
Such a thing is what I’m more familiar with, but no I have a cake for a teammate.

So goes the quote of my life “It’s not death that I’m afraid of. It’s living and not being able to take care of myself(and those I care about).”

But meh, I’m off to a cold as balls shower and hoping the weather warms up.

It’s another one of those Sunday nights where I’m up doing laundry, and twirling the overly curly ends of my stress-damaged hair around a free finger. This sucks. Everything sucks. This semester has been terrible. I’d rather sit on my ass and watch porn all day because things are ridiculous. I think I have a rough draft of a final paper due this Thursday and I haven’t even started on the thing. God I hope not. If so I’ll just do my best to write in such an oversimplified manner that my dumbass teacher with her critical literacy bullshit understands it. Maybe this is the universe telling me that I’m going in the wrong direction. Either that or this is just the usual “I can’t see the benefits” now craptasticity of spring. After all why would I randomly get stuck with this beautiful stranger person to keep me from losing my head and blowing everything to hell with me? This stress is killing me. My mind is like a sheet of thin glass that a fat person is lying on. The shit’s cracked dude.

I want a vacation.

One where I can sit on my expanding rear end or get the hell (or maybe heaven) fucked out of it. I just want something done to me where for however brief a moment in time I’m completely nothing. In mind. Body. Spirit. I don’t want anything for my mind to have focus on. Come on universe give me my coma or a fucking break. I have dreams to catch and I’m a tad late.

This has been a ridiculously stressful stretch of things. I feel like at any moment someone is going to say the wrong thing and that I’m going to break down into a storm of tears and inconsolability. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through things without going off the deep end and/or dragging the only ones keeping me on the end with me. Maybe Monday afternoon I’m going to lock myself up in my room. I’ve done enough damage in an hour for the entire week.
The bitter old man has shown his bitterness. The sad youth stares up from the bottom of the bottle. The in-the-closeted opens the door to let the light shine through. The lover steadies both heart and sanity it seems on a disappearing line. And I the lost child walks along while dancing in the middle of it.

I see a grey horizon. It must be time for another valium. Too bad I don’t have any of those.

During this week of sleepless nights, whispers in my ear, and the ever horrifying realization that my heart beats not just for me----it came to me. My father’s voice whispered from a very different set of lips and my defenseless ears actually listened. That saying that you never listen to what your parents have to say unless it comes from someone else is very true. However, it wasn’t just my father’s voice. It was the voice of many people across this short-lived life of mine. Even coming from a different pair of lips they still carried that tone that old people have when they watch a young person throwing their life away. It’s a strange quality of sadness that follows me everywhere I go.

I’ve spent my life excelling at telling everyone that: They can. I’ve spent my entire life believing everyone who told me that : I can’t. I’m so confused. I know I can—but I don’t see it. I know deep down that I feel like nothing. I feel like a failure and that I shouldn’t be here wasting space. I don’t know how to move forward from this. I don’t know how to fix this fracture in my being. But I’ll try and if you’re right then I more than likely will. Just keep telling me that I can ---I feel like I’m starting to believe it. Don’t stop. Soon I just might see it. . .


“I die to know you love me…
How can you love something so broken?”

Everyone that matters has either gone to bed or gone home. My mom is planning on killing my spring break and I was hoping to go to Momocon with L. I mean I was really looking forward to it---but knowing my mom and at this rate. . .I need to head off to materialized hell soon and hopefully find my guitar hero 2 if that bitch hasn't done anything drastic with it.

For some strange reason I feel a tad bit lonely and I really want a hug. This weekend is going to be nonexistant since I have to do all this crap for a shitty class that 99% of the class hates anyway. This weekend might definately be one in my room, I feel like my head is about to explode. Sigh this is a severe irritation since I haven't been depressed in a very long time. If my wonderful suitemate doesn't bother the shit out of me maybe I'll have a free moment to clear my head and get to the bottom of this.

It would be awesome if I could just curl up in the arms of the person I love right now. Heh, but that's a wish as stupid as a ghost trying to reach out to the living to whom it is nothing more than a figment of memory. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the capacity to love or feel anything at all. Well, I won't say wish because I once had that capacity. Or maybe I"m just being stupid.Gah L had good sense. My room reeks of a thousand sorrows and a thousand failed attempts at dreaming. Too bad this weekend I can't escape from it---too much fucking work.

"With you my heart has no dry place to stay
Without you my life has none either"

Le sigh the first weekend of the second semester is over, and it sucks for me that this weekend ended yesterday instead of today. So for right now my ass is black and grey because I have absolutely nothing I need for a class where my ENTIRE FUCKING GRADE is participation based. Today is a lost day. I mean I’m prepared for my first seminar class which won’t be as fun or an easy ‘A’ as I thought and all. However, my biology seminar is far more important.

I want to sleep today away, but then I have to study for a fucking comp sci quiz. I don’t feel like reading this Noah’s porn collection long chapter for it. Untop of that there is that Chem 2 test I need to start preparing for. Well one shitty day out of seven is not too bad and for all I know I could get lucky. Maybe later today I’ll do some tai chi--- would’ve done some now to calm my nerves but it’s all in L’s room. Meh I’ll just spin the wheel and board myself up in my sacred space.

I can’t wait for my fucking visa to come in so I can order Diablo and maybe the rest of the shit I need for class since I know my parents aren’t going to help me out on that one. Asking them would be like trying to explain the concept of gay non-homosexual bisexuality to an ultraconservative. Sigh I’ll get off my ass and clean my room then go get that job that has my name on it.

Friday was a beautiful evening. I don’t remember if there were stars in the sky but all was pretty peaceful. Although a few people unexpectedly disappeared *cough Noah cough hack hack * t’was alright. There’s nothing that gives me more pleasure than to spend some quality time with a good friend. Depending on the person you can just sit around chill and do absolutely nothing and have the best time of your lives.

Things have not been going the best lately. But it’s times like these when you pick up the pieces of yourself and find your inner child within them. Even if that means laughing your fat ass off as you splash through the puddles of front campus (rolling around in a few) to leaving a trail of grass in the bathroom you still haven’t cleaned up yet.

I like the rain.

When I’m out in it I feel like myself. Everything that bothers me for that moment is washed away leaving what I used to be. A person I have a hard time remembering. The only thing I do know is that this person has a smile that the people I love the most have a hard time forgetting. And I guess---that’s all that matters.

I've had my religious experience of the week so I think I'll be good. The butterflies are fluttering around and life at Bell is proving to be pretty dandy. Thanks to love our little circle is starting to be more open about the things that piss us all of. I'm glad I can just beam my thoughts into Rory and he'll say them when I have a something to say to Noah-kun. I'll figure we'll learn how to talk to each other when we aren't the most content of people eventually. We are good friends and such things happen.

[[I need to get that note out of my mail box it's been sitting there since like the 3rd week of school. Besides I want to read The Stranger. It's one of the best book's ever---well besides the Little Prince. Man, I"ve noticed my favorite books are by French authors. I still don't know what to get everyone for Christmas. [As my roomate unplugs my internet]]

It seems like what I"m learning in philo is really starting to paint a picture before me.
Between L and Daniel T I don't know. . .
I acknowledge the fact I like. . .being a slave---and that scares me. But in "choosing for myself I choose for all of humanity" and until I find out that I've been horribly wrong I'm sticking to that.

Today is the best day of my life and no arguement and no craptastic happening will change that. On this Saturday September 30 at 3:30ish PM I've gotten back that piece of me that's been so far away all these years. Although it has only been six years---these years have been longer than eternity when the heart of my soul was missing.

There was a voice that had called out to me. A silent voice that spoke no words penetrated the depths of my mind. Something peculiar begging for my attention. I found the source of this outcry and in it's sincerity I found

closure. . .

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

So there was this one time where I totally didn't help the image that all Americans are dumbasses lol. I was talking to Olivier, who called me by the way today, (my parents are going to shit bricks at the phone bill next month but oh well ^^)

[Ok see in French class our prof told us never to put 'faire' in a sentence w/o a verb or something like that immediately following. On Monday's test we all got this wierd question: J'ai _____ d'un parapluie. And the class was like bwuh-fuck? (I"d forgotten the word for 'need' at the time) so I for the hell of it put 'fais'.

You know why he told us not to do it? Because you're basically saying 'I shit w/e'. So yeah. I shat an umbrella (parapluie) on my test. I'm a tard I know.]

And Olivier hung his head and was like 'the things you Americans do to slaughter my language'. But he got a kick out of it ^^. So we've just spent the past 2 hours discussing the mechanics of pooping umbrellas in french. MDR. (lol français). J'ai merde! I <3 my French friends. Ah, I need to get off my butt and start learning Japanese so I can talk to Olivier in either French or Japanese ^^ (or english when I get lazy).

[I have his number if you get bored ]

"Vivre La Merde!"

It will never cease to amaze me how the mere concept introduction of the loss of loved ones will drive me ballistic. Then again it’s a bad habit of nature for me to kamikaze a tad bit too soon. I just hope I didn’t catch myself too late.

I’ll admit when I love---I love hard and can be a tad irrational when the usual devil sits and whispers on my shoulder. When I’m sad I drown and I am my hardest taskmaster. In fact I’m a bit too hard on myself. When I’m angry stuff breaks and sometimes that stuff is me. When I’m on the e-coaster I’m just a flat out mess but then again who isn’t. But when I'm happy---I don't know this is something new to me.

I apologize to those that are getting the backlash from all the chaos in my head. I’ve been a massive pain in the ass but thanks for putting up with me. I know you love me and that’s more than enough to keep me going through the day. You people, my friends, have made me the happiest I’ve been in a long long time. I can’t thank you more than with the smile on my face and I mean my genuine smile.

Gah, sorry for being sooo stupid. Game Over my ass. I’m looking forward to a new beginning.

"I tried to give up and failed horribly. I can't stop fighting for what's close to my heart."

I feel so out of place. This world revolving around me is a constant reminder of how much I don’t belong here. There is no place in this world for dreamers and no time to catch up to dreams. The first strike against’ me. I’ve spent so much time in tomorrow that I have no idea where I should be today. I can’t live---I just can’t survive here. Yesterday is like a waking dream---a cold shadow that’s a tad bit bigger than it should be. Something I could never really get my head around not with this mind that always looks inward.

I’m a barbarian among machines. The last remnant of ancient humanity that remembers what in life is truly important. There is no place in this world for those who seek to master the self. The second strike’s against me. No one cares for the truth anymore. The pride of my fists have been taken from me. I can’t protect the ones I love anymore and that was the only thing that mattered. That age is all gone now. Point me to the 16th century ’cuz I sure as hell don’t belong here. I feel too much.

There’s no time for the final count. The prognosis already looks a tad bit terminal. A genius that knows nothing of anything and a master of good luck. Hmmm, I’m not so sure I’m going to make it here. After all it’s always the strong that go first. Let me get my sarissa or the standard spear will do just nicely. The katana might do just the same or my broad sword too. The axe meh might as well I just polished it today and I’ve just strung my crossbow. Guns are just too foreign to me. Well here’s to the world. A few thousand years of fighting in all to amount to nothing. And here’s to an immortal future slavery. A few thousand years more of remembering.

I think I might sleep this weekend away---or get tons of work done. Either way I'll be pretty bummed the whole while. My mommy was supposed to come see me but she doesn't want to drive down here. That makes me REALLY sad. I don't know why I miss her all of a sudden. As a matter of fact I don't know why I feel like such a little kid again. Screw this french hwk. I'll take the points off and just get an A on the next test. If he takes points off. When we move to Bell I"m buying a large stuffed animal of sorts. They can be really comforting (e.g. Noah's Babar) and that's why I need right now. *Sad mewl* I just really need a hug.

I feel like every fiber of my being is liquid fire and it doesn't help that it's really hot outside. Even still I feel really good. This current smile on my face is because I"m high on FUCKING LIFE bitches. Maybe I should spend the time between French and Philo blowing bubbles on main campus. Or finding God that's a good notion for the mood but I don't do that sort of thing. But I'm feeling lucky maybe you'll find God with me. He knows I want you to ^^. The kitten wants to play today.

It's always a good day when I'm in a wonderfully dark mood such as this. Come closer I think this will be quite fun. . . .

"Mary was a special girl. . .who had a thing for astronauts."

I've been sitting at my comp,like I do 99.9 pct of the day anyway, for the past hour. Another Laundry night. In three minutes I"ll have to go get the crap but then I can have warm pjs. And we all know warm pj's are just as good as having a warm naked body sleeping next to you. Or multiple nakes bodies if you do it right. Well sleeping naked is always comfortable too but I like warm pjs. I hate it when relly gross looking people start ranting about sleeping naked. And then I"m like dude I'm hot I can sleep naked and people won't cringe when I speak of it. You on the other hand are a childhood horror story.

It's time for the rave
So here are your *glowsticsk*
*smoke machine*
*a bit of X*
*and your strobe light*
*and surprise buttsecks if the mood is right*

I feel amazing. Throw me into the wind and I just might fly. This week had a craptastic start but it finished pretty nicely. I feel happier in these recent days than I have in most of my life. Tis a good change. I'm kinda tired and I should be studying but I'd rather be rolling right now. Or lying in a nice sunny green field. Since the idea was given to me I'm going to run with it. I'm going to pick up a few books and enter into this novel contest thingie. Whether it flops or soars it won't bother me much I just want to do something. And yeah there was absolutely no segue there. I want to pet someone. Le sigh I really should be studying and I can't find any Kasabian music and I WANTS it. Prolly cuz that name is spelled wrong I dunno. So my roomie strolls in smelling of captial city and pot. Moments earlier I was cursing the heavens cuz I couldn't get into my room while she was out creating potential people accidents. I pray to God that doesn't happen. Pregnant women make me very very nervous. So much study time wasted and I have no will for it now. Meh it happens. I just hope the faith of one gets me through.

Well I am loved. I can get through anything. Love is like consciousness they are both fatal diseases we all at some point need to infect ourselves with. I like this sickness. I wish I'd been touched by it earlier in life. I'm grateful for my enlightenment but it was a bad idea of the universe to give a small child the insight of an 90-year old. BAD IDEA. I miss my mom. She's been calling me alot lately I think she misses me too. But it's some comfort to know that those calls are her way of saying 'I love you' because I can only recall a handful of times in my life when she's said that to me seriously. I want to cuddle with someone. A few people I have particularly in mind but two I'll never see again and the other's anti-cuddling the last time I checked. A hug with do just fine. I can at least get that as well as unexpected butt sex. . .wait. . .

I need to call my little sister. But I'm not sure if I should really involve myself in her life because after college and medschool I'm going to have to leave the family. Well yeah I should at least for the time we can stay together I should fill her head with happy memories.

Life is weird when you're a minority for times over. Regardless of whether or not it's permanent. Either way I'm slowing but surely becoming happy with all of me. *huggles the world*

Man, a half hour ago my system was definately down and now I"m wide awake. I'm mad my roomate had the audacity to stroll in here at 2.15 in the morning. Well later today we're all going to get nerf guns and raid S.H.A.G. I want my revenge dammit. Today was a good yet shitty day. I was having an awesome time with my friends and then I kept hearing the same old shit I didn't want to hear.

The worst of it is I can't talk about it anymore. I want to talk to daniel but he won't have the time. And I'm not going to give L any ammunition. Although I kinda want her to tell me to shut the fuck up so we can just fight. I need an excuse to stay cooped up in my room for awhile. The dent in the wall makes all the live nukes they'll need for a while. Well they should feel good while they have time to. Either way they'll be acted upon by either me or karma. At this point I must say karma is working a little slow.

What the hell it's 2.42 and my roomate just walked out. We won't be having this shit. It's a sat. so I'll be cool but she better not make this a habit. (she forgot her key). Now's she's staying downstairs for w/e reason. . .weirdo.

I"m still trying to see if I really want to go out with a certain someone. But as always I worry I can't make him happy. How stupid of me to think that way. I make alot of people laugh but the difference b/t that and happiness is like that of love and sex. What am I looking for? Love or sex? Or maybe proof that I'm fated to be lonely. Should I go for it? I mean I've never really been with anyone, and I don't want to mess things up this first go round.

Korean rock paper scissors is awesome. *whacks L* *stops to laugh* *gets whacked by L* *messes up the game for the 50th time* *is happy*

My head really hurts from being so pissed off (or from rory and L whacking me). SWG. If it weren't for them I wouldn't have 90 pct of the shit in my life. Ah! Little tokyo today. (roomate starts hwk) Later today I'll be just as content as my new usual.

"My darkness is a wall to keep you away but I'm starting to realize it keeps me from you"

(All your beliefs cannot absolve your sins)

Someone told me once that I had a good soul and then I wasn't sure if I believed it. My mom once in her life said I was a good kid; that was true but I always found trouble. My friends have told me time and time again that I'm a life saver--- I didn't realize this from many that it was literal. Well what can I say. I love my friends. Even when I'm spewing pixelated rantings about random bastard moments. . .I can proudly say when I roll out of bed that love is still there. I've spent my life helping raise up the weak. Expanding horizons although I wish mine were wider. Now I"m just confused.

But I"ve learned it doesn't matter what they say. What you say. Because now I can see instead of just hearing. Hmmm, it appears I love to much. Although the evolution of my emotions is ideal everyone else's follows that strange thing that I can only describe as 'human'. What is it like to be you out there? Help me understand the difference. I can't be what I never was so there's no point in pretending. I'm too bad of a liar lol.

But then I realized . . .

riquie: I believe in you
riquie: believe in the good in you
SephryoZerus - Seraphic Memories: I just want to be able to use all the power I have for something
riquie: you will
riquie: for good
riquie: I know
riquie: I believe everyone has a purpose for good it is just a question of finding it and having the courage to do it
SephryoZerus - Seraphic Memories: but there must be balance
SephryoZerus - Seraphic Memories: not everyone can be good
riquie: even when you do good you do bad
riquie: but when you do bad you don't do good
SephryoZerus - Seraphic Memories: others must die so others can live?
riquie: in the course of nature but that is not of your control
SephryoZerus - Seraphic Memories riquie : (

...that all this time I thought that in the future I know---that I would do a great many and terrible things. Now it makes sense. . .


"I'm not here for the good of all. Only for the good of those who matter."